Poetry & Satire
It may seem an unusual distraction to include poetry and satire on what is otherwise a serious web site. However, I notice that other ex-Mormons have similar pages (some even have recipes) and it occurred to me that perhaps it is an avenue many of us use, to help with the trauma of coming to terms with the truth about the Mormon Church. Most poetry and prose I have written over the years has been personal but when I was fourteen years old, just a few months after I joined the Church, I jotted down a few lines entitled ‘Time’ for no apparent reason at all. The old and faded piece of paper which I still have was rediscovered decades later and the poem is included below, as although it may seem dark and depressing, at the time it was not intended to be. I actually remember sitting and wondering where it came from, as I was very happy and not at all feeling the way the poem may appear to suggest. However, as I look at it now, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps my suppressed subconscious atheistic tendencies were trying to find a voice. I am sure some psychologist would find a reason for it being written by a fourteen year old boy who had recently converted from atheism to Mormonism. Personally, I am now surprised at how accurately it depicts the truth about the future for all of us. Not that I like the idea of not 'waking up dead', but I do accept it as reality. I will leave readers to decide what they make of it.
Time
The years fleet by like seconds; time endlessly pouring into the dust...
Time; the progression of life, that sees us age so quickly
that we take no moment to think of what we really are.
Time; that guides us gently through our lives, quickly now, down the slide,
that endless slide of time,
on which we cannot stop ourselves, or those who follow;
to the place where dead men lie, entranced by what they may have been,
are not, nor ever can be now…
But we, not knowing for sure, will never be, either.
This is the hell that awaits us; the inevitable hell
into which time and our own beings gently cast us
to await the others who mockingly follow.
Jim Whitefield. 1960. (Age 14) Copyright © 1960, 2009. All rights reserved.
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I will share one other item that I wrote a couple of years ago, as I tried to deal with the trauma and daily tears of despair, as more and more of the awful truth unfolded and destroyed the last bastions of hope that I was wrong, at least in part, about the Church. As I came to realise that Joseph Smith was not just a poor deluded man but that he was nothing more than a devious fraudster who perpetrated a hoax, I penned the following, trying to express in words how I felt inside. I had wanted so much for the things that I now know are facts, to not actually be true. I don’t consider it particularly good, I consider it expressive of how I felt at a painful moment in time.
Journey to Truth
I heard the story
First I believed
with simple faith
Doubts pushed aside
years upon decades
Finally I knew
it wasn’t true
in my heart
I didn’t know why –
I started a journey
I began to study
I had to study, to know the truth
To know the truth, I had to search
The more I searched, the more I found
The more I found, the more I learned
The more I learned, the more I knew
The more I knew, the more I understood
The more I understood, the more it hurt
The more it hurt, the less I wanted to know
I wanted to die
If I do not know, I will not understand
If I don’t understand, I can't bear the pain
And I want to die
I still know
in my heart
it isn’t true
I don’t know why –
I continue my journey
I continue to study
I have to study, to know the truth
To know the truth, I have to search
The more I search, the more I find
The more I find, the more I learn
The more I learn, the more I know
The more I know, the more I understand
The more I understand, the more it hurts
The more it hurts, the less I want to know
And I still want to die
I hope at least
that if I know
the truth –
The truth
will make me free…
Now I know the truth
Now I understand
It still hurts but
I don’t want to die
I am already dead
Jim Whitefield. Copyright © October 2006, 2009. All rights reserved.
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Sunday Satire
Sometimes; although to believers, it is of course very sacrilegious; you need to laugh at it all, so you don’t cry. Day after day, as I researched and learned more and more devastating truth which sometimes led me into the depths of despair, I had to do something to get back to some kind of normality. In those times, taking a break from my daily research, I wrote a few satirical items. Usually this was, by sheer coincidence, on a Sunday. So, when I posted anything on the internet, it was termed ‘Sunday Satire’.
Something that came to mind out of the blue one day, appears at the beginning of each of my books. It is this:
I spent 43 years believing in a false religion.
Now I want my 43 years as an atheist.
God owes me that.
Jim Whitefield
It just came to me one day and it made me laugh. I really had given forty-three years of my life to a God who does not exist. Clearly, even if it turns out I am wrong about that; the Mormon version most certainly doesn’t; as Mormonism is demonstrably a complete nonsense. I joined the Church at age fourteen, so I need to live until I am at least eighty-six in order for God to ‘refund’ my life, satirically speaking! I think feeling the need to be satirical about such a serious issue, demonstrates the distress it can create. Such escapism is temporary and passing. I suppose it serves a purpose if it helps us see the funny side of wasting our lives, captured in a delusion so cleverly designed by the most evil of men.
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What follows is sheer nonsense and was written just for fun.
One day, I had been reviewing the silly episode where Joseph Smith thought he had a revelation to send two men to Canada in order to sell the Book of Mormon copyright when Martin Harris was slow in raising the money he had promised. The trip was a complete failure and Smith was asked why. He had put his seer stone in his hat to obtain the first revelation and did the very same thing again in order to get yet another revelation as to why the first one completely failed.
Unbelievably, Smith’s second revelation was that the first one had not come from God! Well, he would have been hard pressed to claim that it did, because it utterly failed. So, in the second revelation, Smith revealed that some revelations were from God, some from Satan and some, effectively, from his own wishful thinking. When I first saw that, I actually laughed out loud. It is a hilarious admission. Smith obviously had no idea the first revelation wasn’t from God until it failed. If they had succeeded in selling the copyright, would Smith have ever realised it was actually against God’s will? Apart from the absurdity of the idea that this could happen, it means of course that there is only a one in three chance that any of Smith’s so-called revelations came from his God. How did he even know whether the second revelation was from God or not? Thus, we cannot trust anything Smith ever proclaimed revelation as he clearly couldn’t be sure of them. Anyway, the following conversation that I imagined taking place between Smith and God entered my mind via an admittedly warped sense of humour. At least it relieved the stress of the day.
Joe & His God
Dateline: Winter 1829-1830.
Reference: Unpublished revelation regarding the attempted sale of the Book of Mormon copyright. Comprehensive History of the Church Vol. 1:165. Also: David Whitmer 1887. An Address to All Believers in Christ. Available to read online at:
http://www.irr.org/mit/address-ch1.html
Joe: Hey God.
God: Hey Joe, what’s on your mind.
Joe: I’m having trouble with my hat.
God: Sorry to hear that Joe, what’s the problem?
Joe: Well, I looked at that stone - the one I used for money digging - in my
hat; and I thought you told me to send Cowdery and Page to Toronto to
sell the Book of Mormon copyright. You know Harris still hasn’t sold his
farmland and we are broke.
God: I never told you to do that.
Joe: I know that now; but I thought you did. They ran out of money and
came back half starved. You could at least have helped them to get
some food to eat.
God: Why would I do that? I didn’t tell you to send them.
Joe: Well, I thought you did; so I sent them. You could have fed them... for
me.
God: Joe, Joe, Joe - you know I am just a figment of your imagination, you know I’m not really talking to you. Why put all this on me? If I had fed them, and they realised it was my doing, they might also think I was responsible for their failure to sell the copyright. Where would that leave my credibility? I can’t be wrong. I’m God.
Joe: But it made me look silly.
God: But you are silly; you know that.
Joe: Yes, but I don’t like to look silly.
God: I know, I know. Tell you what; just say that it was a false revelation. Say that some revelations are from me, some revelations are your own wishful thinking and some are from Satan - he’s always a good failsafe to fix the blame on - you got confused, that’s all. That way, when anything goes wrong - hey, there’s only a one in three chance it was ever going to be from me anyway. O.K?
Joe: I can’t do that - I’m supposed to be a prophet. I can’t admit that I get things wrong.
God: Why not? You get most things wrong.
Joe: Yes, but the members tend to blame that on Satan.
God: So - if that works why change now?
Joe: Well… I am not sure about saying Satan told them to go…
God: Well then, just say it was you - Hyrum persuaded you to ask me and you thought I said they should go.
Joe: Well; that’s actually true.
God: So - you don’t like to tell the truth now?
Joe: It’s not something I’m good at.
God: Well; when all else fails, it sometimes works.
Joe: It doesn’t feel right. I’m getting a stupor of thought here... What did you say again?
God: It’s either that, or you have to admit you are a false prophet. Ready for that?
Joe: Hell no, I’ve come too far for that.
God: So; use the “God - Own mind - Satan” idea and it will get you off the hook. Plus you can always use it again when the next revelation goes wrong. O.K?
Joe: O.K. That works.
God: So, why are you asking me about this with your head in your hat when it didn’t work the last time?
Joe: It looks professional.
God: You think?
Joe: Well, it looks convincing to Cowdery anyway.
God: Maybe, but you already told him to go to Canada using the “stone in the hat” trick and it didn’t work. Now you have to tell him, using the same trick yet again, that the first answer was wrong; and only ever had a one in three chance of being from me.
Joe: So?
God: So - the odds of this being revelation from me, are now more like one in ten - you know how the compound effect of probability works. But then; no, you probably don’t. Never mind, it’s best you don’t ask. Just use the excuse…
Joe: O.K. Should I still use the stone in the hat?
God: It’s up to you. Personally, I think you look silly.
Joe: But you already said that I am silly.
God: Yea… that’s right. Keep using the hat.
Jim Whitefield. Copyright © 2007, 2009. All rights reserved.
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Another item that was published on the Internet, concerned my research on Church statistics which became part of a serious chapter in Volume 2 of The Mormon Delusion. Most Mormons believe their Church to be the fastest growing Church in the world. It never has been and it never will be. I created ‘scripture’ to explain my findings in a ‘Sunday Satire’ moment. ‘Jimmy Rainbow’ was my pen name and the ‘previous thread’ mentioned, was on the RfM discussion board at the time. Once again it should be stressed that writing this was sheer escapism; a break from the trauma of constantly being bombarded with new and unwanted truth about the deceptions of the Mormon Church I seemed to discover every day as my research continued. It is hard to accept that everything is a lie.
The Decline and Fall of the Mormon Empire
The Book of Jimmy (Lies, Damn Lies & Statistics) Rainbow
It being the seventh year of the second millennium, and notwithstanding that “Statistics is the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions” (Evan Esar); nevertheless I make an attempt to predict the future using the very statistics proclaimed (and some then altered, covering a fifteen year period) by the COP (Corporation of the President) as shown in my previous thread “Church claimed 8,384 more missionaries called than was really the case” in the which attempt, my conclusions needed verification through revelation using all historical data from 1830 to the present day, presented to the laptop god, verified by the anti-knee-high virus protection, and revealed through the pencil scribe via a Liahona model previously designed for the very purpose of achieving my goal. Thus we see that all things are not as they may at first seem…
The Very Small Plates of Jimmy, previously hidden up, in pp. 102-106 of some 116 lost pages.
1. I Jimmy, having been born of a goodly mother and a crap father who then proceeded to leave us for another woman, therefore I was not taught somewhat in any of the learning of my father, yea not at all in his learning. This is as well as he was a coal miner and then a soldier fighting on the front lines during the Second World War and after that, a bus driver and I liked the idea of none of the above. Nevertheless, I have seen many afflictions in the course of my days and give a record of the statistical proceedings underlying the past, present and future, regarding my peoples; well, yea the peoples I used to call mine anyway.
2. Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consisted of good and bad language so I am constrained to mostly use good language unless I get upset when I may have to use bad language. I may also use the language of my grandchildren, so this may be read and understood by children and all future generations.
3. And I know that the record which I make is true, and I make it with my own hand; well, with the scratchy thing; and I make it according to my knowledge.
4. For it came to pass in the commencement of the 177th year of the reign of the ‘Small and yet Abominable Church’ that I was in the state of vision and saw that I Jimmy was named after my father whose name was not Jimmy but my middle name was the same as my father so that has to be good enough. My grandfather’s name was the same as my fathers name but that has as little significance as his father having the same name so I will not record that here as my fingers are already sore from holding the ‘thingy’ with which I am scratching on plates. I would have erased that but they have not, even by miraculous means, yet found an eraser that will remove the scratching from my plates. Also my tapir is getting restless and I must feed it soon.
5. And now, in line with our ancestor Alma who wrote in his book Ch.13 v.1 when he did cite the minds of the brethren forward to a time which had not yet come and talked of things impossible as they had not yet happened, as if they had already occurred, thus it is; and as will I, again my brethren (and sisters are invited too as I am not as sexist as Alma), and I would cite your minds forward to the time when the still small and yet very abominable Church shall put forth it’s statistics and lie for the Lord, just as Jesus Smith (as he was called by a recent prophet on TV) taught lying for the Lord and conspired to deceive in the beginning.
6. And it came to pass that the ‘Small and yet still Abominable Church’ aspired to be greater than all the other Churches and thus become the ‘Great and Abominable Church’ but still wanted to call it something else. Nor did they realise that when they pointed one finger at another Church, three were pointing back at them. Therefore the big fifteen did appoint scribes and statisticians to “big it up”, a term we are not yet familiar with and from which the truthfulness of this record will be manifested in your heart for somewhere inside you will recognise the phrase and that is the witness to you that these things are verily true. Thus it is, and your eyes shall be opened and you don’t even need to eat anything (like Eve had to) in order to see.
7. And it came to pass that Jimmy saw through the lies and exposed them but it did not matter as no one listened and all was well and the members controlled by the big fifteen still believed they were the fastest growing Church when indeed they were not even close and moreover they believed that they were adding many faithful members to the Church when verily it was only numbers on something called ‘paper’, which would be handier than plates to write on.
8. And it came to pass; as we have to write “and it came to pass” many times, for it to look like a religious record, despite the fact it doesn’t appear so much in the Bible, but more than enough in the Book of Mormon; that the heads of the ‘SMall and Abominable Church’ (which for the sake of space on these plates, we will abbreviate to heads of the SM.A.C or SMACheads), released statistics in the Almanac for all to see and these are the days of the scribes and statisticians.
9. And it came to pass that by the year 1991, after a flurry of activity and healthy conversion figures, yet again it came to pass, that there were then eight million members at that time, on paper. And it came to pass that the scribes and the statisticians did cite their minds forward with an exponential curve based on the last few years progress and the SMACheads were well pleased at the scribes and the statisticians, who, based only on the previous 13 year curve (unlucky number for some in that day) did predict that the SMAC would probably exceed 70,000,000 members by 2070 and thus could become the ‘GREAT and Abominable Church’ which would be much more fitting, and so they constructed a great and abominable (as well as spacious) building which had no room for any grass around it, so, as they had already bought the grass, they put it on the roof for which the Lord has yet to reveal a purpose, just as with many of the symbols on the facsimiles in the Book of Abrajam, originally called Abraham (am I changing history or was that a typo)? Yea, it was verily just a typo! The time may come when global warming and low oil reserves mean we have to go back to using tapirs which we will call horses in our day and they can be ridden to conference and can graze on the roof. Such is the forethought of the big fifteen. The elevators are not really big enough for many horses but then the miracle of the elevator shafts in the temple; which were actually designed by the architect, as elevators had already been invented, but we don’t want to spoilt the illusion; no doubt will be repeated in some way in the conference centre, or maybe they will build a tapir ramp by revelation. Nevertheless, I am scratching off the point and space is limited, so I will write lots more after saying I have no room left and wish to leave space for others who follow. And it came to pass that 1999 passed away also, and there still continued to be peace in the land, although I would be hard pressed to say which one. And thus did the two thousandth year pass away, and behold we had fireworks and also the two thousand first and third and no one mentioned what happened to the two thousandth and second, just as in 4 Nephi, and the two thousandth and fourth, and the fifth, yea, even until I lost count and got confused as to how many years had passed away, and also the earlier years I missed and indeed many other individual years; that there was absolutely no point in writing down; did also pass away. Let’s just say that MANY years had passed away. And it came to pass that the two thousandth and fourth year passed away, and also the two thousandth and fifth year, yea, and in fine, till the two thousandth and sixth year had passed away; yea, even one hundred and seventy six years had passed away since Jesus Smith lied. This verse is a long and pointless verse because you have to have long and pointless verses sometimes, but I know not why.
10. And it came to pass (and I wish it had not come along in the first place and then we wouldn’t have had to wait for it to pass) that on the way, the Church statisticians’ projection showed thirty five million members by 2020 or so. And thus we see that being premature is very silly, as by now, in 2007, on that scale, we should see some twenty one million Mormons (give or take a million) right now and even with distortion they can only muster less than 13,000,000 so they are short some seven million or more already and even then we know through revelation on attendance and tithing, that less than a third of those are really members in the real sense. Thus we see that there are lies, damn lies and statistics but only with statistics can you fool most of the people most of the time, as the key to the understanding is not given to all.
11. To some it is given to provide the numbers and to others is given the interpretation of the figures. I am the god of numbers and the numbers were not the same yesterday, they have been changed today and no doubt will be completely altered yet again tomorrow. Thus we see that nothing changes.
12. In other words; do not trust numbers, numbers are of the beast; he already has three, some believe six is the only one but behold he has more, and presents them in secret combinations to deceive the righteous; and yea, he is successful in his deceit and he has the big fifteen on his side and no one knows of this.
13. Thus we see that as time passes, all things are brought into view and I will reveal secrets not before known unto this generation. In other words, Jimmy has been sent to bring truth and light to the numbers, but as it is winter and we worry about global warming, he will leave the light off and just bring truth of the numbers, without any light.
14. And it came to pass; yet again; that the year of 1989 was after all an ‘anomaly’ when over half a million new members were recorded, and it has never happened since. Moreover, the magical figure of 500,000 which was only that once achieved, became hard for the people and they became discouraged when pushed to find new people to convert and they said “Preach not unto us hard things, preach unto us smooth things” but the SMACheads would not listen and said every young man must go on a mission and every member must still be a missionary.
15. And it came to pass that per capita, fewer and fewer missionaries went out, despite the command, and the magic figure has never been reached again since then.
16. In other words; indeed, one may say that it has become impossible, as there are not enough missionaries and people are becoming worldlier. In other words, they have found the beast and they love and trust the beast more than the numbers of the SMAC and the name of the beast is ‘Internet’; and thus he was known in his days and many there were who flocked unto him for advice, and the odd Google search.
17. And it came to pass in those days that the SMACheads were angry at the numbers; and the scribes and the statisticians did dream up ways of altering the numbers; and thus it was, that after reporting new child baptism’s up until the late nineties, they appear to have then included in the figures ALL children of record instead; and subsequently all new births, thus increasing, or at least artificially maintaining, the membership figures and keeping some dignity in the numbers, notwithstanding that most other Churches only include active baptised members in their numbers which are all available from the beast.
18. And thus we see that you can do anything with statistics. And it came to pass that the SMACheads were still not satisfied and that the missionary number kept falling and there were none who could stop the fall and great was the fall thereof. That is, other than statisticians who can change anything by numbers. And it came to pass that they lied about the missionary numbers but that did not increase the convert baptisms and they did wonder why that was, for the numbers were there, but they were only on paper, and they were blind to the effects of lying. And it came to pass in 2007 that it was obvious and so they reprinted the figures, altering them all from 1990 to 2004 in the Almanac, which gave a clearer picture of the descending trends.
19. Nevertheless, the missionary numbers did steadily fall per capita membership and the SMACheads were angry and there was weeping and wailing, but there was yet no gnashing of teeth, as the big fifteen were old and most had no teeth and their dentures are expensive and of course there is no paid ministry; so they tell us. But behold; one who stood among them did remember the health plan they all had, and then there was gnashing of teeth, but not against each other. No; they had to fix the blame, so the head of the SMACheads did approach the MTC and addressed the missionaries and did wail at them and gnash his teeth at them and he told them they were no good but they were all the Lord had; and to get out there and baptise many more converts. And many other things did he say in this age, to the media, to be popular with the gentiles, hoping members would not notice; and telling Mission Presidents to ignore what he said in the press; such as - the Lord does not give revelations any more and he does not know that we teach fundamental principles but that we now teach couplets instead. Thus we see the ways of the Lord in these the last days really are mysterious, as instead of giving revelation to the prophet, the prophet says “isn’t it wonderful” that when they think on things and pray about them, then the feeling comes as to what to do. Isn’t it indeed marvelous that he is blessed with exactly the same process as everyone else in the world, regardless of their belief? Indeed it is a marvel for Mormons to behold and it is a joke for the rest of the world to behold. This verse is another long verse because you really do have to have long verses sometimes, but I still know not why.
20. Jimmy laughed. (You also have to have short verses for complete credibility).
21. And it came to pass that if Jimmy had copied and pasted “and it came to pass” it would have been quicker to write the revelation but behold it was not revealed unto him until it was too late; or he forgot; whichever you prefer. He had tried to look at a pebble in a hat but all he could read; he did not comprehend; as the message read “Why do you look at a stone in a hat? Why do you not pull a rabbit out of the hat like any other magician”? Then Jimmy confessed that he had never been a treasure digging seer and could not read the stone, falling into the ways of men and doing only arm wrestling as he wasn’t keen on getting dirty and wrestling on the ground. Jimmy was forgiven and told to just rely on the stats. And thus we see the mercy of the hat god.
22. And it came to pass that in the last three consecutive full published years 2003–2005, the net growth position has been well below 300,000 for the first time since 1987 (and the ten month figure to Oct 2006 is similar), when there were 6.4 million members (with the exception of one year, 1993, when net growth was 285,081, and there were 8.6 million members) and annual growth continues to reduce. And it came to pass that Jimmy finally got to the point; and can say that the new converts stayed generally in the 300,000’s for years, despite the underlying increase in overall membership. And thus we see a decrease in relative membership per capita. And now behold, my propelling pencil has lost it’s spring and behold I have carved another out of wood using a pen knife made of steel which does not exist so perhaps it was something else I used but thus we see I have a pencil that works, and whilst I have not managed to kill anything for my family to eat with it, I can at least write with it. It is the Sabbath and I cannot buy a new refill. It is not that the places they now call ‘stores’ are not open, as indeed they are, but more that (to use my grandchildren’s language), I can’t be arsed to go out and get one - and dinner smells good too.
23. Behold, Jimmy can predict that following the curve now plotted according to the last few years, that if this trend continues, the rough figures show the Church (assuming no change to the parameters) finally reaching a peak at 35,000,000 members around 3037 when it will start to decline. That prophecy conflicts with Church statisticians by a century.
24. However, Jimmy developed a model that includes the dynamics of the beast Internet; and then you can predict what you like. Internet is still young and has yet to grow in stature. My bet is, taking all things into account, including more members leaving who discover the truth, that the Church may peak at less than 20,000,000 members and then be somewhat static and finally slowly decline before the year 2040 but that can change dramatically based on many influencing factors. Particularly if there is strong media or movie coverage concerning the truth at some stage. Many predict that the Church will peak early and start to decline in real terms during the next decade or so. Time will tell and thus we shall see, and all things will become clearer after my next eye test.
25. And now citing you back to the time of Jesus Smith; thus we see that the conspiracy continues unto this day and Jesus Smith was called a liar, a cheat, swindler, adulterer, hoaxer, conspirator, traitor, philanderer, murderer and a pious fraud among many other things. (Historical note, the word “pious” appears to have been inserted above the line of text of the second handwritten copy sometime after the first edition and it does not appear in the original hand written text now in the hands of the RLDS sub-culture of the also un-chosen. “Pious” was an unfamiliar word to our peoples and not in “vogue” or found in the book of Dan in the Bible for example). Nevertheless we knew him to be the liar, as extant evidence shows that indeed on occasion his pants were on fire, which marvelous thing was witnessed by many persons, who unfortunately, not understanding the significance of such a phenomenon, in the main, died without recording the event. One single source, and that being through this revelation, alone survives. Unfortunately, it is an unfriendly source of revelation which Church historians and apologists deride as being unhelpful and unreliable. In other words, it came to pass, and no one understood the miracle surrounding; “Liar, liar, pants on fire” in those days, and so it was dismissed as more of a couplet than anything.
26. And behold, I finish my writing as there is little space on the plates, but having said that, as with our ancestors, I must now write a few more pointless verses covering rubbish already covered, for no apparent reason, or it will not look like confusing ancient scripture such as that transfiguramulated by Jesus Smith from desiccated reformed (or reconstituted) Egyptian coconut into the modern language; not constituting hot drinks or tobacco but beer is ok, just not spirits; evil or otherwise.
27. Jimmy knows that past prophets have had nasty things done to their work after they died. Please do NOT change my pencil scribble to INK or FELT TIP later, or do other devious works like you did with my friend Jesus Smith who only EVER claimed he saw Nephi and now everyone thinks it was Moroni. Why would they do that? There was no need but the habit of lying, even without reason, has to be maintained or you get out of practice, and that will not do at all.
28. Having thoroughly studied the genealogies of my family and my peoples as I was commanded, I learn I am of distant royal blood and of royal (albeit obscure) descent. I can state categorically (and herein is my claim to authority in the same way that descendants of Aaron; who you can’t find of course; can automatically be Bishops, until they find one given the lineage by an ageing senile Patriarch when they will of course change the rules), that in my country of England, if 49,285,763 people died; I would be Queen. (Historical note – this verse seems to have been added much later by someone pretending to be the Jimmy but we are not sure, as there is no extant evidence to support the authenticity of the writing or the claim and the original has been suppressed, compressed and expressed in another language called ‘machine code’).
29. And now I say adieu. Or in other words, So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, the sun has gone to bed and so must I. Drawn flaming swords forever, but I won’t come quickly, in fact I probably won’t come at all. You probably wouldn’t like me let alone follow me if I did – spirits leave rooms for less. Amen.
30. Jimmy doesn’t like odd numbers, so we have to have a verse 30 for no apparent reason at all. It will be called OCD one day but that is not known in my time so I can’t mention that… oops. Besides, if the work pans out to be wrong, we may need to later alter, add, delete or change it at will (although I can’t interpolate easily, as I always forget how to insert ‘superscript’), in order to keep up with the times, public opinion, being politically correct, be in line with our ever changing unchangeable views, or to otherwise confuse the already confused even more if we can.
Written on a napkin in my own hand and even on my own hand when I ran out of napkin.
Jim Whitefield. Copyright © 2007, 2009. All rights reserved.
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